You've been a BAD girl!!!!!

Into the year 2012, and there is no change in the life of Mrs X, although technically speaking this was an incident from 2011.

As you are all aware, my dating habits are somewhat memorable, and this next one is no exception. I was seeing the 'Frenchy' for a few months before realising this must come to an end (not to mention the fact he read my blog and realised he wasn’t the only person I was seeing) In which case it came to an abrupt end with the text that was received in a previous post, you know the one where he said 'I am not your lab rat' blah blah blah. Anyhow, I never got round to writing about my first encounter with Frenchy so I shall update you now, he was in the building with a fellow house mate, when we were all partying and I was waiting on 'The Rogue' who, did not show, and had he shown up this may well have been a different story.

So, here I am with this sexy French guy, who came a-knocking in the late hours of the night, to see if I fancied a night cap, being the rampant that I am I obliged, a few hours later completely rat arsed, both knowing where this is heading, well at least I thought I did, until, I got a good old SPANKING!!!! ha ha ha, not a little smack on the bottom, we are talking full on hand slaps on my arse, I must also tell you that this was not during sex, not even during foreplay, this was his foreplay. Now, as mortified as I was I went along with it thinking 'we will get onto the good stuff in a bit'. The good stuff never came, the spanking came hard and fast, and then the dreaded dirty talk, arghhhhhh, never did I think I would hear the words ' did you do your homework?' whilst getting jiggy. But sure as hell he bloody well said them, along with some other clichés such as, 'you've been a bad girl' and 'Sir is going to punish you now' SWEET JESUS, how the fuck am I gonna get out of this one.

Now, I am not one to complain for a good ass slap, but this was some next level shit, and the fact I was NOT responding to these questions, nor was I encouraging the spank, just egged him on, hand prints on my bottom like no tomorrow.

I made a decision later, that I would give him another chance, and see if maybe it was the drink bringing out his inhibitions, did I mention he is a teacher? Probably quite important to this little fetish he had going on, anyway so the next time he came round, he was in his work attire, suit tie and briefcase, I think you can all guess where this is going, yep, he suggesting leaving his tie on and requested I address him as his classroom name, Mr Frenchy (obviously not Frenchy). This time I could not endure this role play thing he had going on, I just said NO, point blank NO, take the fucking tie off and I will not call you that you silly fool!!!!

Harsh, I think not, at least know your limits before you force actual pain on somebody!!!!

We need to talk about the Poke

What is it with guys thinking it is perfectly acceptable to wake us up in the morning with a hard on poking into our backs?

What happened to the good morning, morning breath, kiss?

Seriously, I have this conversation with my girlfriends often, and it is the most cringe worthy thought. We get it, you woke up with the horn, but do you really need to keep poking me with it? If it's not the poke, its the throwing off of the blanket to reveal your morning wood.

How would you like it if I just woke up and decided to get my dildo out and start poking your back with it first thing in the morning, just to show you I’m horny? I'm pretty sure you would turn over and be mortified to find your ass being intruded with a plastic dick.

But, what gets me the most is, when we roll over and ignore your boner, or even push you away, you still don’t give up. In fact, if a woman gives into this morning prod, she is most probably asleep, therefore it is effectively rape, so think about it next time fellas, your ladies groaning when your poking her with your dong is just snores, it is not an open invite for morning sex.

Whilst we are on the subject of men in the bed, I once caught my ex having a bash over me whilst I was asleep. Yep, fully on bashing away, woke me from my sleep with a rustling sound, and I was sooo mortified I could’ve died. He wasn't just having a casual wank, he was having a wank over me, I opened my eyes to find him staring at me. Can you imagine? So the next day, I went into work (we worked together, in an office full of men) and I told all the other lads in the office about this incident, and they all looked at me like I was the freak. Acted like it was normal and started sharing stories about how they all do it to their wives and girlfriends, who, evidently are unaware of this fact.

So, for all you men out there reading this I would just lije to let you know that we do not appreciate the gentle (or sometimes aggressive) proding of your hard on in the morning, and we definitely do not want to wake in the night to your faces staring a us and your hands down your pants!!!!!!!!

Girl Power

This one is a shout out to all my girlfriends – Old and New – I love you all

I got robbed, and all they stole was my poxy Crackberry

Okay, I really should be working instead of writing this,but I just got interruptedd by my good friend Shaniqua, (not her real name obvi) Anyway, so at the weekend me and Shaniqua hit up central LDN and met two lovely gentleman, ha-haa, okay not lovely gentleman, but we met a couple of guys, Peckham boys, now I am not here to stereotype, but we should have connected the dots a lot earlier than four days later.

So, we're out in Leicester Square getting our rave on, I'm hitting up the double vodkas straight and Shaniqua is gone, away, with the music and the booze, she is off on her raving head.

Oh, hang on I have missed out the most vital point, earlier on in the day, Shaniqua got her first contract, she purchased a brand spanking new Crackberry, so happy to be part of the hype that is Crackberry, this was her new baby. Adding up everyone, announcing her pin to the world of bookface!!!!

So, back to that night, she is guarding this mutha fucking phone with her life, taking it out of its case, taking pics, putting it back in its case like it needs protecting. The phone never left her side!

That is until, we meet these gorgeous guys, and head to another venue they said was banging, which it was, we are all raving it up (not the guys, can you really see two Peckham lads dancing? No, didn’t think so) so me and Shaniqua, dancing it out, head off to the bar, and all of sudden,

I'VE LOSST MY PHONE, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PHONE, OMG, SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!

So, me and the lads are like oh dear, lets go check everywhere for the phone, head out to security, they have a Crackberry, YES YES OMG YES, ummmm no, it's not hers. (don’t forget this whole time we haven’t connected the dots)

So we all head off back to the other clubs we hit up, all of which are closed, but they can see this poor girl having a full on break down, so they let her in to check, nope not here, not there, it's gone!

We give in, and head home, the two Peckham boys in tow, and as students do, sneak them into our halls of residence (I get caught, outside my door, with this Peckham lad, trying to blag him in, but this story is not about me so we wont get into that right now) So, morning comes, we have chucked the lads out and head off for the usual big fat fry up to recuperate (this also consisted of fish and chips, a scone, a raspberry turnover, an apple turnover, and a freebie the delicatessen chucked in) and head back to kill ourselves and the hang over.

Five hours later, we have still not connected the dots, and then, bang, Shaniquas facebook status pops up.

''GOSH MY FANNY IS REALLY SORE TODAY!!!!''

Oh my god, oh my god, I actually cant stop laughing, her Peckham boy ROBBED her phone, FUCKED her, and then, FRAPED her, on her own CRACKBERRY!!!

Too much laughter is going on right now!!!!!

I used to be love drunk, now i'm HUNGOVER!!!!

I can see clearly now the booze is gone!!!

So, I did what I have been threatening to do for the last three years, I told the Other Chic, and it was worse than anyone could possibly have imagined.

Once I outed The Rogue, it appears all of his sly scheming ways have been unfolded. Get this, he has been with her for six years, SIX years, three of which he has been seeing me. How did this happen, how did he possibly get away with this for so long?

She calls me up and asks me to prove my accusations, and the funny thing is I cant, I have spent three years with a man and have not a single image of him, and every time I got angry I deleted any messages he ever sent me, I had nothing that could back this up. And to make matters worse, the little circle that has Southampton in a little bubble, have backed up his story of me being a 'Stalker' and people have restraining orders against me. (although in my teenage years I did stalk one guy, more of an infatuation, blog to come) So I am frantically going through my facebook my phone and anything else I can possibly think of to try and prove myself as the innocent party in this sick fucked up threesome he has got going on. I found it, messages, proof of his dirty cheating ways, and the fact I have an entire family and friends circle that can bare witness to this. She has the messages, she has messages from him asking me 'why I love him'?? What a PRICK!!!

Did I mention, he spent Christmas eve with me and my family, and left mine Christams morning and went to hers? Hahaha, oh dear!!!

To make matters worse, he is actually saying that nothing has ever happened between us and never will, he has told her I was obsessed with him and that I would turn up at his flat and ask for a tour, (you seriously could not write this). You gotta hand it to him he has played an amazing game here, he has covered every track and has his little cronies lying for him.

Regardless if she believes me or not, I really don’t care, I am just extremely pleased that he is out of my life, and there is no going back. But what I found out in this process has been amazing. So I already knew he was sleeping with other people anyhow, but who they are is actually quite disgusting, now bear in mind he is 31 years old, he had 18 year old girls up his flat, now that is some next level shit. Not only that, he went to the other extreme too, and was fucking Southampton's very own BIKE a forty something mother of four, and a grandmother of two, not only that, they were all dipping their dick in her, (they all, being the three brothers that lived together, who ironically, I told her to ask, and they denied ever seeing me up the flat).

Another revelation was that they apparently lived together, now I know I did not imagine staying at his flat on a nightly basis, and not once was there any evidence of a girlfriend, nothing, not even a spare toothbrush, but, according to his cleaner (a friend of mine) there were pictures all over the flat of them two together, hence why she never thought to tell me about the other woman, she assumed I knew. No, The Rogue went to extreme efforts to hide her from me, I mean what an effort to go to, taking down pictures, hiding clothing, toiletries, everything. I wasn’t a stranger up his flat, I was always welcomed by his brothers, they made me dinner, I would casually jump in the bath, sit and do uni work in the lounge, I was like a bit of furniture that nobody thought strange, and to then find out that there was probably half a dozen of us doing the same thing makes my stomach turn. Before he lived with his brothers, he was in his 'own' flat, that I would stay in on my own and wait for him to come back, or just turn up unannounced, and there was never any suspicion of other women for me, I had free run of the place, in fact I had bags of stuff in his flat. His double life must be exhausting, I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

The sad thing about this whole story is that she believes him, what a mug, she thinks I have made the last three years of my life up, she believes I was some kind of obsessed child. Little does she know, that it wasn’t just the last three years, I met him five years ago, and according to her they were together then too, but it was a 'casual' thing, once or twice, and nothing else (mentioned in previous blogs). But regardless he did it 5 years ago and for the last 3 years!!!
He was with a girl I knew for 3 years, when I accidentally slept with him Five years ago (I did not know this until I bumped into them together after the accident), but I found out two days ago, that the reason she left him was because he was living with both her, and this girl he has been with for Six years, so if my calculations are correct, for the first three years he was with somebody, and for the last three he has been with me? You silly, silly girl. Good luck with that one!!

The poor soul is lumbered with his child, and probably a bag full of diseases, and I walk off, head high, and onto bigger and better things..........

Your girl is lovely, Hubbell

Hello Birdies,

I am going to refer back to The Rogue today, and hopefully put him into the past tense, and leave him there for good. I have just realised that it has now been three years worth of obsession, heartache and complete psychotic behaviour with this man. And I have also come to realise that although he IS Mr Big, unattainable and completely no good for me, I am in fact NOT Carrie, I am Natasha, yes that is right, I was never Mr Big's Carrie, apparently I am the one I the way of him and his true Carrie.

All this time I have had nothing but hatred for 'the other chic' (before I am corrected for spelling Chick, minus the K, there is reason behind this) However, I am in actual fact 'the other chic'. It has only taken me three years to work this out, three years of not only stalking him, but stalking her too, (to the point of adding her profile to my favourite's, just so I could keep tabs on her, and him). But, it is only down to this that I have come to realise this fact, and realise that their bond (and their child) cannot be broken. Even if my delusional thoughts allow me to think that he might have once loved me were true, he is never going to stop going back to her.

This fact pains me, more than seeing women with labels still on their shoes (big faux pas), but, as we all know, Natasha may marry Mr Big, but he is never truly hers. So I bid farewell to The Rogue, I would love to wish them both all the best, but I still want them both to die.

I was even contemplating sending her an email exposing him, and telling her all of our history, but what good is that going to do me? Besides, anybody who is a true SATC fan, knows that Carrie is the mug, she should never have got Carried away with Mr Big, and all of their mishaps were nothing but her own choices and decisions, even so much as through to the movies, do we want to slap her and say 'go and get Aidann back you fool'. So, I may be letting go of Mr Big, so that Carrie can have him, but I am also creating a new Carrie, the Carrie that we all wanted to see in the series, and detaching myself from all the pain and the foolishness and becoming the one that does end up happily ever after, WITHOUT Mr Big

'We're so over, we need a new word for over'

I need to detox my brain, and stop these crazy thoughts that one day it might happen, I know it wont, but I cant stop thinking 'what if'. Besides, I would never live up to her, Who the fuck can live up to Carrie Bradshaw? NOBODY! So I will just have to keep my jealous thoughts out of my mind, and pray to god that one day he is just a distant memory, and a bad mistake that I once made in my twenties.

So,' your girl is lovely, Hubbell' ( to all of you that know what this means, I know he wont)


End of an era, and on to the next one........

The day I got my period (not my first)

Okay ladies, so here it is, I am going to share with you the most embarrassing moment of my life to date!

This is hard for me as I still cringe at the thought, even though it really isn’t that bad...... Here goes!

So my ex, who, by the way is an absolute ass hole, I just thought I’d let you know that, even though it has no relevance!

So, My ex, who lived with his nan, (now, I know as I am writing this that it will pretty evident to some of you as to who this guy is), nonetheless, lives with his nan. I would regularly spend the evening there and when he went off to work I would spend the day with his nan. On this one particular occasion, he had woken and left for work and left me blissfully asleep (I’m not quite sure how these embarrassing moments happen to me whilst asleep) regardless, I am blissfully asleep and wake myself to find the decorators have arrived.

You have to understand that this is highly embarrassing for me, it may not be for some ladies out there, and if it were my own bed I wouldn’t care, but it wasn’t, it was his bed, in his nan’s house, and he wasn’t there! So, what does my psychotic brain tell me to do? You got it, rip the sheets off, run to the bathroom and wash them. (logical plan if you ask me). My plan was to blow dry the evidence and put the sheet back on the bed and nobody would need to know.

EXCEPT, I got back to the bedroom and there are new fresh sheets on the floor of the bedroom ready to be changed, and I can hear the nan whistling away whilst changing the bedsheets in her own room. (fuck, fuck, fuck, this is not happening! Oh yes it is)

My brain decides to analyse the situation, plan B needs to come into action, okay, here goes, 'Hey Dorothy (her name is clearly not Dorothy, but data protection and all that) 'Hey Dorothy, don't worry about Harry's room I’ll do the sheets for you, (again, his name is not Harry, like I would get with a guy named Harry). So I manage to get away with that and I start the changing of the sheets, but what to do with the soaking wet , cleaned with hand soap might I add, sheet? well I stuff it in my bag as you do, zip it up and stash it under his bed ,give Dorothy the top sheets and pillow cases and hope for the best.

Phew, got off that one lightly.

DID I FUCK.

'Oh, Mrs X, where’s the bottom sheet?'
'there must not have been one, that’s all the sheets there'
'are you sure, did you sleep on a mattress last night?'
'no, but the mattress covers there, we must have slept on that'

Okay, says she. I'm pretty sure she is not buying this but the old lady lets it drop.

That is until I’m happily sat enjoying my morning coffee and breakfast, that the old bird made me, when, in she walks, the devil herself, sheet in hand, with a look of absolute disgust on her face........

The woman only went and thought I was stealing the fucking sheets, like I’m some poor-per who cant afford her own, and she doesn’t just think it she out right asks me why I am stealing her sheet?

RED FACED AND MORTIFIED, my only response is 'sorry, I got my period, I was too embarrassed to tell you, so I hand washed it in the bathroom, (with your hand soap, I didn’t tell her this of course)

Her being the old bird that she is, sits down next to me and explains that it happens to the best of us and I shouldn’t be embarrassed and not to worry.

Well with all that mortification out of the window, I can relax, even if that plays around in my mind for the next ten years.

BUT, then the after thought kicks in, the silly old cow went through my fucking bag looking for the fucking sheet...... Now I don’t know about you but that is a complete violation, and yet I am so embarrassed I cant confront her on her unprovoked actions as to search my belongs for a fucking bed sheet. A BED SHEET!!!!

The old lady took it upon herself to become judge and jury as to where this £3 item of linen had disappeared to, I mean the absolute cheek to search for my bag, and then to call me up on it, knowing full well I would know she had gone to the trouble of searching the entire room for my bag (that had been stashed under his bed) unzipping it, finally to see that the 'lost' sheet is in there, staring her in the face. This is some 007 James Bond shit!!!!

For those of you that know me you probably understand that it took a lot for me not to confront her for invading my life like this!

With mortification finally worn off, to this day I do not know if she ever made Harry aware of my thieving ways, or for that matter his family (who at one stage, needless to say, in true Mrs X style I had previously dated his brother, and was best friends with his sister) DO NOT JUDGE ME.

I'm sure if they didn't know they do now!

P.S I have had a huge response to pissy pants, and the most popular question is 'what was in the bag'?' Well ladies, pissy pants had just finished working The National Wedding Show, and the bag contained luxury items from promotional stands, including, shampoo, conditioner, lipstick, vitamins, coffee, books, deodorants, toothpaste ect,ect,ect. I think they call that KARMA