We need to talk about the Poke

What is it with guys thinking it is perfectly acceptable to wake us up in the morning with a hard on poking into our backs?

What happened to the good morning, morning breath, kiss?

Seriously, I have this conversation with my girlfriends often, and it is the most cringe worthy thought. We get it, you woke up with the horn, but do you really need to keep poking me with it? If it's not the poke, its the throwing off of the blanket to reveal your morning wood.

How would you like it if I just woke up and decided to get my dildo out and start poking your back with it first thing in the morning, just to show you I’m horny? I'm pretty sure you would turn over and be mortified to find your ass being intruded with a plastic dick.

But, what gets me the most is, when we roll over and ignore your boner, or even push you away, you still don’t give up. In fact, if a woman gives into this morning prod, she is most probably asleep, therefore it is effectively rape, so think about it next time fellas, your ladies groaning when your poking her with your dong is just snores, it is not an open invite for morning sex.

Whilst we are on the subject of men in the bed, I once caught my ex having a bash over me whilst I was asleep. Yep, fully on bashing away, woke me from my sleep with a rustling sound, and I was sooo mortified I could’ve died. He wasn't just having a casual wank, he was having a wank over me, I opened my eyes to find him staring at me. Can you imagine? So the next day, I went into work (we worked together, in an office full of men) and I told all the other lads in the office about this incident, and they all looked at me like I was the freak. Acted like it was normal and started sharing stories about how they all do it to their wives and girlfriends, who, evidently are unaware of this fact.

So, for all you men out there reading this I would just lije to let you know that we do not appreciate the gentle (or sometimes aggressive) proding of your hard on in the morning, and we definitely do not want to wake in the night to your faces staring a us and your hands down your pants!!!!!!!!

Girl Power

This one is a shout out to all my girlfriends – Old and New – I love you all

I got robbed, and all they stole was my poxy Crackberry

Okay, I really should be working instead of writing this,but I just got interruptedd by my good friend Shaniqua, (not her real name obvi) Anyway, so at the weekend me and Shaniqua hit up central LDN and met two lovely gentleman, ha-haa, okay not lovely gentleman, but we met a couple of guys, Peckham boys, now I am not here to stereotype, but we should have connected the dots a lot earlier than four days later.

So, we're out in Leicester Square getting our rave on, I'm hitting up the double vodkas straight and Shaniqua is gone, away, with the music and the booze, she is off on her raving head.

Oh, hang on I have missed out the most vital point, earlier on in the day, Shaniqua got her first contract, she purchased a brand spanking new Crackberry, so happy to be part of the hype that is Crackberry, this was her new baby. Adding up everyone, announcing her pin to the world of bookface!!!!

So, back to that night, she is guarding this mutha fucking phone with her life, taking it out of its case, taking pics, putting it back in its case like it needs protecting. The phone never left her side!

That is until, we meet these gorgeous guys, and head to another venue they said was banging, which it was, we are all raving it up (not the guys, can you really see two Peckham lads dancing? No, didn’t think so) so me and Shaniqua, dancing it out, head off to the bar, and all of sudden,

I'VE LOSST MY PHONE, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY PHONE, OMG, SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!

So, me and the lads are like oh dear, lets go check everywhere for the phone, head out to security, they have a Crackberry, YES YES OMG YES, ummmm no, it's not hers. (don’t forget this whole time we haven’t connected the dots)

So we all head off back to the other clubs we hit up, all of which are closed, but they can see this poor girl having a full on break down, so they let her in to check, nope not here, not there, it's gone!

We give in, and head home, the two Peckham boys in tow, and as students do, sneak them into our halls of residence (I get caught, outside my door, with this Peckham lad, trying to blag him in, but this story is not about me so we wont get into that right now) So, morning comes, we have chucked the lads out and head off for the usual big fat fry up to recuperate (this also consisted of fish and chips, a scone, a raspberry turnover, an apple turnover, and a freebie the delicatessen chucked in) and head back to kill ourselves and the hang over.

Five hours later, we have still not connected the dots, and then, bang, Shaniquas facebook status pops up.

''GOSH MY FANNY IS REALLY SORE TODAY!!!!''

Oh my god, oh my god, I actually cant stop laughing, her Peckham boy ROBBED her phone, FUCKED her, and then, FRAPED her, on her own CRACKBERRY!!!

Too much laughter is going on right now!!!!!