Okay ladies, so here it is, I am going to share with you the most embarrassing moment of my life to date!
This is hard for me as I still cringe at the thought, even though it really isn’t that bad...... Here goes!
So my ex, who, by the way is an absolute ass hole, I just thought I’d let you know that, even though it has no relevance!
So, My ex, who lived with his nan, (now, I know as I am writing this that it will pretty evident to some of you as to who this guy is), nonetheless, lives with his nan. I would regularly spend the evening there and when he went off to work I would spend the day with his nan. On this one particular occasion, he had woken and left for work and left me blissfully asleep (I’m not quite sure how these embarrassing moments happen to me whilst asleep) regardless, I am blissfully asleep and wake myself to find the decorators have arrived.
You have to understand that this is highly embarrassing for me, it may not be for some ladies out there, and if it were my own bed I wouldn’t care, but it wasn’t, it was his bed, in his nan’s house, and he wasn’t there! So, what does my psychotic brain tell me to do? You got it, rip the sheets off, run to the bathroom and wash them. (logical plan if you ask me). My plan was to blow dry the evidence and put the sheet back on the bed and nobody would need to know.
EXCEPT, I got back to the bedroom and there are new fresh sheets on the floor of the bedroom ready to be changed, and I can hear the nan whistling away whilst changing the bedsheets in her own room. (fuck, fuck, fuck, this is not happening! Oh yes it is)
My brain decides to analyse the situation, plan B needs to come into action, okay, here goes, 'Hey Dorothy (her name is clearly not Dorothy, but data protection and all that) 'Hey Dorothy, don't worry about Harry's room I’ll do the sheets for you, (again, his name is not Harry, like I would get with a guy named Harry). So I manage to get away with that and I start the changing of the sheets, but what to do with the soaking wet , cleaned with hand soap might I add, sheet? well I stuff it in my bag as you do, zip it up and stash it under his bed ,give Dorothy the top sheets and pillow cases and hope for the best.
Phew, got off that one lightly.
DID I FUCK.
'Oh, Mrs X, where’s the bottom sheet?'
'there must not have been one, that’s all the sheets there'
'are you sure, did you sleep on a mattress last night?'
'no, but the mattress covers there, we must have slept on that'
This is hard for me as I still cringe at the thought, even though it really isn’t that bad...... Here goes!
So my ex, who, by the way is an absolute ass hole, I just thought I’d let you know that, even though it has no relevance!
So, My ex, who lived with his nan, (now, I know as I am writing this that it will pretty evident to some of you as to who this guy is), nonetheless, lives with his nan. I would regularly spend the evening there and when he went off to work I would spend the day with his nan. On this one particular occasion, he had woken and left for work and left me blissfully asleep (I’m not quite sure how these embarrassing moments happen to me whilst asleep) regardless, I am blissfully asleep and wake myself to find the decorators have arrived.
You have to understand that this is highly embarrassing for me, it may not be for some ladies out there, and if it were my own bed I wouldn’t care, but it wasn’t, it was his bed, in his nan’s house, and he wasn’t there! So, what does my psychotic brain tell me to do? You got it, rip the sheets off, run to the bathroom and wash them. (logical plan if you ask me). My plan was to blow dry the evidence and put the sheet back on the bed and nobody would need to know.
EXCEPT, I got back to the bedroom and there are new fresh sheets on the floor of the bedroom ready to be changed, and I can hear the nan whistling away whilst changing the bedsheets in her own room. (fuck, fuck, fuck, this is not happening! Oh yes it is)
My brain decides to analyse the situation, plan B needs to come into action, okay, here goes, 'Hey Dorothy (her name is clearly not Dorothy, but data protection and all that) 'Hey Dorothy, don't worry about Harry's room I’ll do the sheets for you, (again, his name is not Harry, like I would get with a guy named Harry). So I manage to get away with that and I start the changing of the sheets, but what to do with the soaking wet , cleaned with hand soap might I add, sheet? well I stuff it in my bag as you do, zip it up and stash it under his bed ,give Dorothy the top sheets and pillow cases and hope for the best.
Phew, got off that one lightly.
DID I FUCK.
'Oh, Mrs X, where’s the bottom sheet?'
'there must not have been one, that’s all the sheets there'
'are you sure, did you sleep on a mattress last night?'
'no, but the mattress covers there, we must have slept on that'
Okay, says she. I'm pretty sure she is not buying this but the old lady lets it drop.
That is until I’m happily sat enjoying my morning coffee and breakfast, that the old bird made me, when, in she walks, the devil herself, sheet in hand, with a look of absolute disgust on her face........
That is until I’m happily sat enjoying my morning coffee and breakfast, that the old bird made me, when, in she walks, the devil herself, sheet in hand, with a look of absolute disgust on her face........
The woman only went and thought I was stealing the fucking sheets, like I’m some poor-per who cant afford her own, and she doesn’t just think it she out right asks me why I am stealing her sheet?
RED FACED AND MORTIFIED, my only response is 'sorry, I got my period, I was too embarrassed to tell you, so I hand washed it in the bathroom, (with your hand soap, I didn’t tell her this of course)
RED FACED AND MORTIFIED, my only response is 'sorry, I got my period, I was too embarrassed to tell you, so I hand washed it in the bathroom, (with your hand soap, I didn’t tell her this of course)
Her being the old bird that she is, sits down next to me and explains that it happens to the best of us and I shouldn’t be embarrassed and not to worry.
Well with all that mortification out of the window, I can relax, even if that plays around in my mind for the next ten years.
BUT, then the after thought kicks in, the silly old cow went through my fucking bag looking for the fucking sheet...... Now I don’t know about you but that is a complete violation, and yet I am so embarrassed I cant confront her on her unprovoked actions as to search my belongs for a fucking bed sheet. A BED SHEET!!!!
Well with all that mortification out of the window, I can relax, even if that plays around in my mind for the next ten years.
BUT, then the after thought kicks in, the silly old cow went through my fucking bag looking for the fucking sheet...... Now I don’t know about you but that is a complete violation, and yet I am so embarrassed I cant confront her on her unprovoked actions as to search my belongs for a fucking bed sheet. A BED SHEET!!!!
The old lady took it upon herself to become judge and jury as to where this £3 item of linen had disappeared to, I mean the absolute cheek to search for my bag, and then to call me up on it, knowing full well I would know she had gone to the trouble of searching the entire room for my bag (that had been stashed under his bed) unzipping it, finally to see that the 'lost' sheet is in there, staring her in the face. This is some 007 James Bond shit!!!!
For those of you that know me you probably understand that it took a lot for me not to confront her for invading my life like this!
With mortification finally worn off, to this day I do not know if she ever made Harry aware of my thieving ways, or for that matter his family (who at one stage, needless to say, in true Mrs X style I had previously dated his brother, and was best friends with his sister) DO NOT JUDGE ME.
For those of you that know me you probably understand that it took a lot for me not to confront her for invading my life like this!
With mortification finally worn off, to this day I do not know if she ever made Harry aware of my thieving ways, or for that matter his family (who at one stage, needless to say, in true Mrs X style I had previously dated his brother, and was best friends with his sister) DO NOT JUDGE ME.
I'm sure if they didn't know they do now!
P.S I have had a huge response to pissy pants, and the most popular question is 'what was in the bag'?' Well ladies, pissy pants had just finished working The National Wedding Show, and the bag contained luxury items from promotional stands, including, shampoo, conditioner, lipstick, vitamins, coffee, books, deodorants, toothpaste ect,ect,ect. I think they call that KARMA
P.S I have had a huge response to pissy pants, and the most popular question is 'what was in the bag'?' Well ladies, pissy pants had just finished working The National Wedding Show, and the bag contained luxury items from promotional stands, including, shampoo, conditioner, lipstick, vitamins, coffee, books, deodorants, toothpaste ect,ect,ect. I think they call that KARMA
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