We need to talk about the Poke

What is it with guys thinking it is perfectly acceptable to wake us up in the morning with a hard on poking into our backs?

What happened to the good morning, morning breath, kiss?

Seriously, I have this conversation with my girlfriends often, and it is the most cringe worthy thought. We get it, you woke up with the horn, but do you really need to keep poking me with it? If it's not the poke, its the throwing off of the blanket to reveal your morning wood.

How would you like it if I just woke up and decided to get my dildo out and start poking your back with it first thing in the morning, just to show you I’m horny? I'm pretty sure you would turn over and be mortified to find your ass being intruded with a plastic dick.

But, what gets me the most is, when we roll over and ignore your boner, or even push you away, you still don’t give up. In fact, if a woman gives into this morning prod, she is most probably asleep, therefore it is effectively rape, so think about it next time fellas, your ladies groaning when your poking her with your dong is just snores, it is not an open invite for morning sex.

Whilst we are on the subject of men in the bed, I once caught my ex having a bash over me whilst I was asleep. Yep, fully on bashing away, woke me from my sleep with a rustling sound, and I was sooo mortified I could’ve died. He wasn't just having a casual wank, he was having a wank over me, I opened my eyes to find him staring at me. Can you imagine? So the next day, I went into work (we worked together, in an office full of men) and I told all the other lads in the office about this incident, and they all looked at me like I was the freak. Acted like it was normal and started sharing stories about how they all do it to their wives and girlfriends, who, evidently are unaware of this fact.

So, for all you men out there reading this I would just lije to let you know that we do not appreciate the gentle (or sometimes aggressive) proding of your hard on in the morning, and we definitely do not want to wake in the night to your faces staring a us and your hands down your pants!!!!!!!!