The day I got my period (not my first)

Okay ladies, so here it is, I am going to share with you the most embarrassing moment of my life to date!

This is hard for me as I still cringe at the thought, even though it really isn’t that bad...... Here goes!

So my ex, who, by the way is an absolute ass hole, I just thought I’d let you know that, even though it has no relevance!

So, My ex, who lived with his nan, (now, I know as I am writing this that it will pretty evident to some of you as to who this guy is), nonetheless, lives with his nan. I would regularly spend the evening there and when he went off to work I would spend the day with his nan. On this one particular occasion, he had woken and left for work and left me blissfully asleep (I’m not quite sure how these embarrassing moments happen to me whilst asleep) regardless, I am blissfully asleep and wake myself to find the decorators have arrived.

You have to understand that this is highly embarrassing for me, it may not be for some ladies out there, and if it were my own bed I wouldn’t care, but it wasn’t, it was his bed, in his nan’s house, and he wasn’t there! So, what does my psychotic brain tell me to do? You got it, rip the sheets off, run to the bathroom and wash them. (logical plan if you ask me). My plan was to blow dry the evidence and put the sheet back on the bed and nobody would need to know.

EXCEPT, I got back to the bedroom and there are new fresh sheets on the floor of the bedroom ready to be changed, and I can hear the nan whistling away whilst changing the bedsheets in her own room. (fuck, fuck, fuck, this is not happening! Oh yes it is)

My brain decides to analyse the situation, plan B needs to come into action, okay, here goes, 'Hey Dorothy (her name is clearly not Dorothy, but data protection and all that) 'Hey Dorothy, don't worry about Harry's room I’ll do the sheets for you, (again, his name is not Harry, like I would get with a guy named Harry). So I manage to get away with that and I start the changing of the sheets, but what to do with the soaking wet , cleaned with hand soap might I add, sheet? well I stuff it in my bag as you do, zip it up and stash it under his bed ,give Dorothy the top sheets and pillow cases and hope for the best.

Phew, got off that one lightly.

DID I FUCK.

'Oh, Mrs X, where’s the bottom sheet?'
'there must not have been one, that’s all the sheets there'
'are you sure, did you sleep on a mattress last night?'
'no, but the mattress covers there, we must have slept on that'

Okay, says she. I'm pretty sure she is not buying this but the old lady lets it drop.

That is until I’m happily sat enjoying my morning coffee and breakfast, that the old bird made me, when, in she walks, the devil herself, sheet in hand, with a look of absolute disgust on her face........

The woman only went and thought I was stealing the fucking sheets, like I’m some poor-per who cant afford her own, and she doesn’t just think it she out right asks me why I am stealing her sheet?

RED FACED AND MORTIFIED, my only response is 'sorry, I got my period, I was too embarrassed to tell you, so I hand washed it in the bathroom, (with your hand soap, I didn’t tell her this of course)

Her being the old bird that she is, sits down next to me and explains that it happens to the best of us and I shouldn’t be embarrassed and not to worry.

Well with all that mortification out of the window, I can relax, even if that plays around in my mind for the next ten years.

BUT, then the after thought kicks in, the silly old cow went through my fucking bag looking for the fucking sheet...... Now I don’t know about you but that is a complete violation, and yet I am so embarrassed I cant confront her on her unprovoked actions as to search my belongs for a fucking bed sheet. A BED SHEET!!!!

The old lady took it upon herself to become judge and jury as to where this £3 item of linen had disappeared to, I mean the absolute cheek to search for my bag, and then to call me up on it, knowing full well I would know she had gone to the trouble of searching the entire room for my bag (that had been stashed under his bed) unzipping it, finally to see that the 'lost' sheet is in there, staring her in the face. This is some 007 James Bond shit!!!!

For those of you that know me you probably understand that it took a lot for me not to confront her for invading my life like this!

With mortification finally worn off, to this day I do not know if she ever made Harry aware of my thieving ways, or for that matter his family (who at one stage, needless to say, in true Mrs X style I had previously dated his brother, and was best friends with his sister) DO NOT JUDGE ME.

I'm sure if they didn't know they do now!

P.S I have had a huge response to pissy pants, and the most popular question is 'what was in the bag'?' Well ladies, pissy pants had just finished working The National Wedding Show, and the bag contained luxury items from promotional stands, including, shampoo, conditioner, lipstick, vitamins, coffee, books, deodorants, toothpaste ect,ect,ect. I think they call that KARMA

Confusion over the behaviour of men

So, after waking up this morning and posting my mortifying experience of the night before, it got me thinking about other 'situations', and I was talking to my girlfriends about similar things, well not so similar as to wetting the bed, but you know, of the sort.

I remembered an occasion with 'The Rogue', after an amazing evening of wine and sex, we hit the sack, in a full state of sleep I am woken to the sound of man poo, yes, a full on 'toilet situation' loud and disgusting. Now this wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn't decided to do this in the en suite bathroom, as opposed to the other two toilets available in his flat, but he decided to go drop the kids off in the en suite. Ladies, this is not the worse part, I had been in the toilet earlier only to discover that there was no loo roll, and after shouting this mid flow, he brings me a little pack of handbag sized tissues, with three remaining, one of which I used then, and another before we went to bed, which, if you are any good at maths, you can work out that there was one remaining tissue.
Which can only bring me to ask, WHAT THE FUCK DID HE WIPE HIS ASS WITH? the sounds that were coming from that toilet could not be cleaned up with one 12X12 tissue, probably not even a whole roll if he did have one.

I did what I do best at this stage and pretend to be asleep, whilst vomiting in my own mouth and cringing myself back to sleep, needless to say he did not get a goodbye kiss in the morning, as I bolted out of there like no tomorrow.

I guess my point here is, I really don’t understand when this sort of behaviour became acceptable? I mean its not acceptable to us obviously, but man to man this is clearly the correct etiquette for them.

p.s I had a response from pissy pants 'I was dreaming I was on the toilet but clearly I wasn’t.. it freaked me out,II thought you was gonna go mad and tell me to fuck off, it's been playing on my mind all morning. sorry' er erm, I don't know where this guy gets off, the only reason I didn’t tell him to fuck off was due to the fact I was humiliated for him. Does he seriously expect me to respond? Does he genuinely think he is going to see me again?

I CAN STILL SMELL THE PISS!!!!

xx

Latest escapades

When did man become alien?

So recently I have been dating, whatever that is. But I have been seeing numerous men for lunch, dinner, drinks ect. And this one guy stuck out for me, 28 years old, known him for some years now, and decided to go for some drinks with him to see if it could go anywhere.

So, first date, drinks in a pub local to me, I met him at the station and off we set, first and foremost, he was not putting his hand in his pocket for nothing, yes, this is correct, I bought the first round, and evidently the only round. the guy made his drink last 3 hours, THREE HOURS, while little old me had guzzled down my glass of vino within the first half hour, and not once did this guy offer to buy me another one. ARE YOU MAD? I mean are you actually serious?

Regardless of this, I was determined to finish the night through. oh god the night got worse and worse, I must point out the this guy is black, and conversation quickly turned into a debate on how black males are portrayed in the media, I mean ARE YOU MAD? once again here I am thinking what the hell am I doing on this date? 'I mean take EastEnders for example, the only long standing black man is Patrick Truman, and they even make him get with the white trash lady (Pat Butcher)' on and on he goes with his 'black chip' on his shoulder, actually it wasn’t on his shoulder it was out there in the open, in my face, on my date.

Anyhow, the 'date' soon came to an end, and he managed to get in a cheeky snog, and we arranged to meet up again the following week. I don’t know why I bothered agreeing to this because I had just had my first dose of his torture. But benefit of the doubt and all that. We had been texting all week, and I had kind of let slide the first date and thought I would give him another chance.

So, second date, he comes over with DVD's and we are chilling, (I know, I know, second date, probably shouldn’tt have been so promiscuous) but still, so we get into a movie and start smooching and snuggling, and the inevitablee happens. Now when I say it happens, well lets just say it could not have gone worse, the guy is 28 and had no clue! NO CLUE!!!!! fumbling about and asking me to slow down, mate, we're not making love here, we are fucking!!!! so I give up on this being a good shag, and try to get him to finish as quickly as possible, even if this does mean slowing down.

With that all over and done with I just wanna go to sleep, now the man couldn’t even do that right, prepare yourselves here ladies, the man pisses himself, in my bed. I'm not talking a little dribble that can be covered up, full on wetting the bed issue. I KID YOU NOT!!!! I don’t even know what to say to this, except OMG.

Now, 5am I am comfortably asleep in my bed, and I get a tap and a shake, 'i've had an accident' you can only imagine the mortification on my face. As soon as he had said it I could smell the stench of this guys piss, and sure as hell he'd had an accident but it wasn’t bloody little. 5 am and i'm changing spoiled sheets whilst trying my hardest not to punch this guy in the face and chase him out with a knife. ( I only didn’t do this because at this stage i'm sure he must be embarrassed) 30 minutes later with a flipped mattress and a full laundry basket I manage to get back to sleep.

(now I don’t know about you ladies, but if this was happening to me, one I wouldn’t have woken the guy I up to explain I had had a little accident, and two, as soon as I had realised I had done this I would have got my bag and quietly left never to be seen again)

So 7am rolls around and his alarm is beeping away, I pretend to be asleep whilst he is showering ect, until he goes in for the goodbye kiss, but no its not a goodbye kiss at all its, ' well you have a bit off laundry to do, do you have washing detergent?' ARE YOU FOR REAL, I mean come, you couldn’t make this up, has the man no shame????

8 am when I know he is safely out of my fucking life, I see a bag in the corner of my room, the idiot has only gone and left a bag of his stuff, now I know this was no accident, he thinks he is going to be seeing me again.

Well my friend that bag is collateral damage and I do believe it is now MINE!