Latest escapades

When did man become alien?

So recently I have been dating, whatever that is. But I have been seeing numerous men for lunch, dinner, drinks ect. And this one guy stuck out for me, 28 years old, known him for some years now, and decided to go for some drinks with him to see if it could go anywhere.

So, first date, drinks in a pub local to me, I met him at the station and off we set, first and foremost, he was not putting his hand in his pocket for nothing, yes, this is correct, I bought the first round, and evidently the only round. the guy made his drink last 3 hours, THREE HOURS, while little old me had guzzled down my glass of vino within the first half hour, and not once did this guy offer to buy me another one. ARE YOU MAD? I mean are you actually serious?

Regardless of this, I was determined to finish the night through. oh god the night got worse and worse, I must point out the this guy is black, and conversation quickly turned into a debate on how black males are portrayed in the media, I mean ARE YOU MAD? once again here I am thinking what the hell am I doing on this date? 'I mean take EastEnders for example, the only long standing black man is Patrick Truman, and they even make him get with the white trash lady (Pat Butcher)' on and on he goes with his 'black chip' on his shoulder, actually it wasn’t on his shoulder it was out there in the open, in my face, on my date.

Anyhow, the 'date' soon came to an end, and he managed to get in a cheeky snog, and we arranged to meet up again the following week. I don’t know why I bothered agreeing to this because I had just had my first dose of his torture. But benefit of the doubt and all that. We had been texting all week, and I had kind of let slide the first date and thought I would give him another chance.

So, second date, he comes over with DVD's and we are chilling, (I know, I know, second date, probably shouldn’tt have been so promiscuous) but still, so we get into a movie and start smooching and snuggling, and the inevitablee happens. Now when I say it happens, well lets just say it could not have gone worse, the guy is 28 and had no clue! NO CLUE!!!!! fumbling about and asking me to slow down, mate, we're not making love here, we are fucking!!!! so I give up on this being a good shag, and try to get him to finish as quickly as possible, even if this does mean slowing down.

With that all over and done with I just wanna go to sleep, now the man couldn’t even do that right, prepare yourselves here ladies, the man pisses himself, in my bed. I'm not talking a little dribble that can be covered up, full on wetting the bed issue. I KID YOU NOT!!!! I don’t even know what to say to this, except OMG.

Now, 5am I am comfortably asleep in my bed, and I get a tap and a shake, 'i've had an accident' you can only imagine the mortification on my face. As soon as he had said it I could smell the stench of this guys piss, and sure as hell he'd had an accident but it wasn’t bloody little. 5 am and i'm changing spoiled sheets whilst trying my hardest not to punch this guy in the face and chase him out with a knife. ( I only didn’t do this because at this stage i'm sure he must be embarrassed) 30 minutes later with a flipped mattress and a full laundry basket I manage to get back to sleep.

(now I don’t know about you ladies, but if this was happening to me, one I wouldn’t have woken the guy I up to explain I had had a little accident, and two, as soon as I had realised I had done this I would have got my bag and quietly left never to be seen again)

So 7am rolls around and his alarm is beeping away, I pretend to be asleep whilst he is showering ect, until he goes in for the goodbye kiss, but no its not a goodbye kiss at all its, ' well you have a bit off laundry to do, do you have washing detergent?' ARE YOU FOR REAL, I mean come, you couldn’t make this up, has the man no shame????

8 am when I know he is safely out of my fucking life, I see a bag in the corner of my room, the idiot has only gone and left a bag of his stuff, now I know this was no accident, he thinks he is going to be seeing me again.

Well my friend that bag is collateral damage and I do believe it is now MINE!